Why did it take you so long to come?

This week I've had the opportunity to attend The Global Leadership Summit. It's true that you can get something out of every lesson if you choose to listen.

The speaker was Christine Cain - founder of the A21 Campaign. To set the stage, it was past lunch time and I was hungry, I was tired of sitting, and to top it all off, she has a high pitched voice that was NOT helping my building headache. She was the "preachiest" of the speakers up to that point - but I still got something out of it.

She told a story that caught my attention. She was visiting a shelter where she met a girl that had just been rescued from a brothel. She was giving her an eloquent speach about how Jesus loves her and came to save her, etc. The girl interrupted her, yelling out "If what you say is true, why did it take you so long to come?" Christine was speechless. Why did it take her so long?

Why did it take me so long?

For more than a year, I've considered sponsoring a child through Compassion International. I've even gone to their website and looked though all the pictures, but how do you choose. I thought if God really wanted me to do that, I would fall in love with the picture and 2 sentences describing one of the children and that would be my confirmation. But that never happened. So I didn't act. But it didn't go away.
     ...an ad on a web page...
          ...a commercial on the tv or radio...
               ...an overheard conversation at work...
                    ...a conversation with sarah...
                         ...a display at church...
                              ...a sponsor table at the Global Leadership Summit...

I finally did it. I went to Compassion's website and signed up to sponsor a child that's been waiting the longest. It's not my choice, it's God's choice. I should receive my sponsor packet with the information on this child in about 2 weeks. Why did it take me so long to obey?

Are you dragging your feet on something?

Why is it taking you so long?

What have you intentionally done for someone else this week?

I made time.

I didn't want to. I wanted to be selfish with my time. Hang out with my boyfriend, watch a movie, read the latest Stephani Meyer book (yeah, the one I pre-ordered a couple months ago and still haven't opened). I wanted to use my time to do the things I wanted to do.

But my mom's been asking me for help cutting words out for the crafts she's doing for the fair in a few months. She and one of her friends have been asking to borrow my new Cricut machine - which I don't mind - but they want me to teach them how to use it.

So I chose to make the time to help them. To sacrifice the wants I had for my evening and teach them how to use the machine that would help them continue their projects. Sometimes the small things are the hardest for me to do. :(

Happy Birthday, Sarah!

You are a spot of beauty in our lives and I am very honored to call you my friend! May God shower you with His blessings this year!

Are the "visible" you and the "real" you consistent?

When Sarah and I planned our accountability time back at the beginning of the year, this seemed like such an important question. Lately, however, we've had to ask ourselves what we're trying to accomplish by asking it. What does it even mean? We seem to interpret it differently each week.

Based on our reading this week (Captivating, Chapter 10 - "Mothers, Daughters, Sisters) I would see this question as "Are you living life from the heart?" According to the chapter, Proverbs 22:6 is frequently misinterpreted. "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not part from it." We've all heard it...I can't count the number of times I've heard lessons on this verse pertaining to children needing to be taught the Bible so they'll follow it as adults. Staci puts it this way: "The proverb is about raising a child to know who he is and to guide him in becoming ever more himself....It speaks of teaching a child to live from his heart, attuned to it, awake to it, aware of it, and when that child is grown he will continue to live a life from the heart. It is about seeing who a person really is and calling him out to be that person." [emphasis added] Wow! What do I do with that?

Several times, Sarah and I have had conversations about people trying to “find themselves”. What does that even mean? Yet at the same time, it encompasses where I feel I am right now. Who am I? How do I define myself? (NOTE: I did not say how do people define me.) I know the basics. I believe that I am here to praise and serve God and further His kingdom. But knowing it and owning it are different. How do I own that? Do people look at me and see that’s who I am?

This really is on topic….promise. :) Do I live a life that shows that in my heart I believe that I am here to love God, love others and further His kingdom? Maybe this is the meaning of our question for this week.

What do you think? Are the “real” you and the “visible” you consistent? Do you even know what they look like? What does this question mean to you?

Father's Day

What significant thing did you do for your family?

This week was Father's Day. It may not seem like a big deal, but I was tired and I had things I wanted to do and I wanted to be selfish. Instead, I took about an hour and a half and went to my parent's house to visit. "Visiting" is definately on my list of activities I dislike. I don't know why but it has always been that way.

I was still selfish. I went when my friends were busy but left in time to meet them all for lunch. But at the same time, I did make the effort to show up and be there for a while and I think that was kind of significant.

What have you done for your family lately?

Great Reads

Lately I've read some really great posts on various blogs and I wanted to share some of them:

A series on the use of social media:
http://www.aquietheart.com/?p=2931
http://www.aquietheart.com/?p=3005
http://www.aquietheart.com/?p=3035

Laughter Can Be the Best Faith Medicine:
http://www.incourage.me/2010/05/laughter-can-be-the-best-faith-medicine.html

Is consistency a virtue of God?
http://www.incourage.me/2010/06/two-faces.html

God speaks through people:
http://www.incourage.me/2010/06/able.html

Confessions of a People Pleaser:
http://www.incourage.me/2010/05/safe.html

Hope you enjoy these!

Never Give Up

Sarah and I have added a new question to our list: "What significant thing did your boyfriend do for you?" I feel it's important to not only intentionally do things for him, but also to realize what he's doing for me.

This week was huge! I alluded to it a bit before when I was talking about Friday.

He's not giving up on me. He's said I'm worth the effort.

If you've been reading my posts on fear, you may understand just how huge this is. And yes, even writing this made me cry. :(

Puzzle Pieces

God's time is very specific and I'm just now starting to put the pieces of the past few weeks together - WOW!

1. Summer Camp 2009 - The speaker is talking about beauty and asks us to think of someone who needs to hear that they are beautiful. Sarah waited for the room to clear out and leaned over to me, "Mandi, you are beautiful. Just thought you needed to hear that."
2. October 2009 - I begin reading "Captivating".
3. January 2010 - Sarah and I begin "Captivating" as a study.
4. May 2010 - My boyfriend leans over and says "You are really beautiful right now." My hair was a mess, makeup all smudged after a long day. I was wearing jeans splattered with paint and one of his big sweat shirts. I didn't see things the same way.
5. June 2010 - A line in the book Sarah and I are reading catches my eye: "A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough."

The understanding of beauty has eluded me but these 2 pieces finally fit. In that moment, I was beautiful because i wasn't trying to be. I was enjoying the moment. Being there. Not worried about my appearance. Not worried about circumstances. Not worried about anything. Just enjoying the moment and the company of friends.

A woman who is striving is stressing and stress is not beautiful.

A woman who is beautiful is such because she's not trying to be. She's just following God.

Not Worth the Effort

Fear reared it's ugly head Friday night.

I misunderstood.
I got upset.
I tried to explain (inadequately, of course).
He got frustrated.
I got scared.

Now I want to be very clear about this:
   HE did not scare me.
   HE did nothing to make me feel the way I did.
   I was not scared of HIM.

Satan has long filled my head with whispers that I am not good enough, not pretty enough, too high maintenance, not strong enough, not independant enough, too independant, too needy....the list goes on and on. Over the past month or so I have come to understand that I am aware of these lies, but when they come up in life, I first react with emotion and then with the logic of what's happening.

So why was I scared? I was afraid that he'd determine I'm not worth the effort it takes to build our relationship. That's really the jist of it. I was afraid that I ruined things and that I would lose him.

I realize that this is giving him no credit whatsoever. And that he is deserving of so much more. I also know that this is not what he was thinking or what he intended. But my fears aren't rational.

Once again, i think this goes back to a fear of abandonment. And that is why I was crying Friday night.

"I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got.”          Sabrina Ward Harrison

Why are you crying?

For those of you who follow Sarah's blog, you may have read her post about crying. I find it interesting that while we have both started posts on this subject, it's taken more than 3 weeks for anything to actually show up in a blog.

So, as Sarah examined crying as Bill suggested, we had some discussions during our "intentional friendship" times. Sarah and I are a lot alike. It's very helpful to me to be able to examine emotion, fear, etc. in the context of Sarah rather than trying to figure out myself. But reality is, just helping Sarah figure things out isn't enough. I need to examine my own life and understand what brings on the tears.

I'm talking about specific situations...
   ...when the topic of conversation gets personal...
   ...when emotion is involved...
   ...for no reason what-so-ever...
   ...and many more....

Why do I frequently tear up in these situations? I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid...
   ...afraid that the more people know about me the less they'll like me...
   ...afraid that my emotions make me odd or unacceptable...
   ...afraid that being me will cost me the people I love...
   ...basically, I'm afraid.

Too Much Clutter

I have clutter everywhere...
   ...my house...
      ...my desk...
         ...my room (ew, let's not even go there)...
...and worst of all, my head!

I had a great conversation with my sister-in-law this weekend. I was telling her how much I love her blog and that I'm very jealous that she can just sit down at lunch and have and entire page of well written and thought out text. I was explaining to her that I can't think for more than 30 seconds before I get distracted by another thought and that it takes days...sometimes even weeks....to put a post together. She looked at me and said "you're thinking about too much".

Wow! That made me think. My life is cluttered. Not just my environment, but my life. And not by important stuff either. I made a list of 9 things I wanted to do this year (like take more everyday pictures, scrapbook, blog, etc). I have spent very little time on those things, but a lot on work and other things that don't really matter to me in the big scheme of things.

Now that I realize this, I want to de-clutter. I've already started - and yes, that meant saying "No" to a ministry opportunity. I've added a large box in my garage where I can start accumulating "junk" for a garage sale. I want to choose a couple of things to spend my free time on and focus on them. I'm going to do more organizing in my house (I've already collected a lot of supplies, I just need to do it).

And maybe...just maybe...these de-cluttering efforts will allow me to think more and focus on the things I want to spend time on.

Encourage One Another

1 Thessalonians 5:11

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Hebrews 10:25

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 3:13a

But encourage one another daily...

Philemon 1:7a

Your love has given me great joy and encouragement...

Being around a true friend can completely turn around your day and your outlook on things. Sarah, thank you for being so intentional, challenging and encouraging! I am truly blessed to know you and have you in my life.

My Poor Truck

Why is it that so often my biggest disappointment is also where I see my greatest joy? Maybe it's because that's where God finally gets my attention. I don't know.

Anyway, back to my truck. I'm slowing down for a stop light Friday morning and *WHAM!!* I was several feet behind the car in front of me and a bit disoriented. I did what I do best - I froze. There was no way I just hit that car. I start looking around and taking stock of the situation...odd detail: my ashtray is half open. I finally look in my rear view mirror in time to see a woman at the back of my truck slowly tilt over to the side and disappear. Turns out, my truck had stopped a runaway motorcycle. The throttle stuck and the rider was unable to stop in time.

It is truly a miracle - the only injuries were some rattled nerves, sore muscles and a small scrape on her leg! My truck wasn't as fortunate:

1. Paint cracked and the back of the cab dented
2. Side of the bed dented
3. Side of the bed bowed out
4. Tailgate dented
5. Bumper dented, twisted, etc.

All-in-all, I'm very grateful for the way things turned out. Her insurance will cover all repairs and a rental car while my truck is in the shop.

So why do I call this my greatest joy for this week? The firemen and police that responded pointed out that if she had hit a larger or smaller vehicle things would have been much more serious. Because of the height of my bumper and how she hit it, there were no real injuries. I am very grateful for this. Yes, it's an inconvenience (not to mention I'm driving a boat for the next 2 weeks - pray that I don't smack something with that!) but if my purpose was to be in the way so this accident was less severe, I'm glad I was there. Numerous extenuating circumstances put me on that road at that specific time that morning. I don't normally drive that road no matter where I'm going. So I do think God had me there for a purpose that day and I'm glad I could help out!

My Biggest Disappointment

The accountability questions I want to write about this week are "What was your biggest disappointment?" and "How did you handle it?"

Me. I'm my biggest disappointment. And I froze.

It's the little things that really get to me. Friday I went to a birthday party for my boyfriend's niece. She's the sweetest, most beautiful 5-year-old you ever did meet and I was excited to take her the gift I'd found - something I really liked when I was her age.

Later, we were playing volleyball, just the 2 of us, and she looked me straight in the eye with her big, gorgeous, innocent brown eyes and said "I love you, Amanda!" I froze.

Thoughts raced through my head - Do I say "I love you" back? I haven't ever thought about it. Do I love her? I haven't really been around her much so I wouldn't say I even know her - can I love her? Is it worse to say something I don't mean or mean something I don't say? - and all this time she's looking at me expectantly. I think I tried to smile and just tossed the balloon back to her. LAME!

I know I missed out on something that day. I'll never know exactly what. But it doesn't stop there - oh no...it gets so much worse. We repeated that exact same scene not 10 minutes later! And what did I do? I FROZE! Are you mad at me yet? I sure am.

It's been a few days and it's still gnawing at me. I must find a way to let this little girl know just how special she is. Birthday presents aren't enough. I need to use words but how do I communicate with a 5-year-old?

Romanced by God?

So Sarah and I are still reading and discussing this same book and this week’s chapter is also very controversial. The main idea here is that God is romancing us – like a lover pursues his interest! Now I have to admit that thought is a bit disturbing to me, but don’t tune out yet. The authors talk about being “kissed” by God and a few other ideas that just seem wrong, but in trying to read it objectively, I think they’re trying to put into human terms something we have a difficult time comprehending.


The thing that stood out to me most in this chapter is the idea that God wants to love us intimately. Don’t go all ewww on me! I really don’t see this as a physical thing. Think about your most intimate relationships here on earth…what do they look like? Trust? Honest conversation? Strong desire to spend nearly every moment together?

We’ll come back to that idea in a moment, but I want to mention another significant idea in this chapter first – how we view God’s love. Many of us are stuck in one of the following mindsets:
    •   Childlike, “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so”
    •   “God loves me because He has to”
    •   “God loves me because I _____” (you fill in the blank)
But are any of those truly how God loves us? Several times in the New Testament, we are referred to as the “bride” of Christ. Does a husband love his bride because he’s obligated to? Is that what love looks like?

What is your view of God’s love? This chapter has helped me see that I have been viewing God’s love as rather impersonal. More like an acquaintance than even a friendship. Certainly not intimate. He’s my Savior…the Lover of my soul…and at best I ask him for stuff. Some days I don’t even think about him at all. How sad is that?

Granted, I thought this chapter was a little weird, but I think I got the message. God wants an intimate relationship with me. He desires ME! Why won’t I respond?

This book has given me a lot of insight to myself and I am very grateful for the challenges it’s brought to light.

Do you treat your peers and coworkers as people loved by God?

One of my least favorite questions Sarah and I discuss when we meet is "Do you treat your peers and coworkers as people loved by God?". There are times the "peers" part is difficult for me, but right now, it's the coworkers part I don't like admitting to.

I've been working on a special project for the past 6 months or so. First it was my project. Then the boss I worked for was moved to another company and the person who inherited ownership of the project decided one of his managers needed to run it. Then that manager left and the project owner decided to assign another of his managers to the project. Then that manager left and suddenly it's my project again. at this point, I had only about 8 weeks to get it all done. Each time someone else took over, we started over again - to do things their way - and we lost a lot of time. I explain all this in an effort to help you understand just a small bit of the frustration I have toward the whole thing at this point. There's A LOT more too much frustration, but this is a public blog and not the appropriate place to vent.

In order to obtain our project objectives. Each team representative has had to give a little for the greater good. Some teams have been very ready to compromise within reason and make the project a success. Where other teams are concerned, it's been a battle. One I've repeatedly lost. We finished our project Friday in some ways it was a success we accomplished our main objective - but that's the only one - we did not accomplish all the project objectives. I tried, I really did, but there was opposition at every corner. It's very difficult to try to do your best and achieve goals for the greater good only to have key stakeholders complain to your boss that you're not considering them, making life more difficult for them, being rude and combative, etc. Are you painting the picture in your mind? Getting an idea of why this is not a question I enjoy discussing at this point?

I had a conversation with my boss a couple weeks ago. What's in store for me next, now that this project is finished? I found out that my next project is going to be completing the objectives I didn't achieve in this recent project. All those battles that I lost, all the people that hate me - yep, I get to do it all over again. On the plus side, I fell like I'll have better backing to get things done this time, but am I ready for another round of this emotional roller coaster?

I'm getting to a point, I promise. :) So, what does it look like to treat your coworkers as people loved by God? I had to confess to Sarah the last time we met that I honestly don't think I know. This week I really tired. I took Sarah's suggestion and reminded myself "My coworkers are people loved by God and I need to show His love to them." when I got frustrated. In my mind, I did a great job of being kind and patient and listening and addressing their concerns. Then again, the last time I thought that, my manager got complaints. I don't want to be one of those cold-hearted people who doesn't care what others think about them, but at the same time I know I can't be everyone's best friend all the time. But how do I show God's love to people that HATE me? Especially the ones who like to offer backhanded complements - I can't stand that - and there's a human part of me that wants to respond in turn.

This is still an area of struggle for me. Don't get me wrong, I work with some people I like very much, but they're not the ones standing in the way of me achieving the goals I've been given. When you think about it, please pray that I will learn how to treat my coworkers as people loved by God. Also, if any of you ever see me interacting with them, please provide feedback. Thanks!

How do you treat your coworkers as people loved by God?

What significant thing did you do for your boyfriend?

Another of the accountability questions Sarah and I ask is "What significant thing did you do for your boyfriend?" (or in her case we change it to fiancé...Congrats, Sarah! :D). It's about being intentional in our relationships.

So, what did I do since Sarah and I last met? I made comments to let him know that I was paying attention. Sometimes it seems like something so insignificant it's not worth mentioning, but it was intentional on my part.

• Allowing the family with the squirming toddler to go in front of us in line.
• Holding the door for the elderly couple.
• Returning the glove dropped by a child.

He doesn't think about these things, he just does them. I even asked him "What's one thing you did for someone else this week?" He thought about it for a while and then made a joke. He's gotten so used to doing it that he doesn't even think about it anymore. Can you imagine what the world would be like if each of us made it a point to help out others even in the little stuff?

This week I intentionally pointed out this behavior when we were together. I wanted him to know that people do notice the little things and they can make a huge difference in a person's day.u

Have You Been Completely Honest With Me?

"Have You Been Completely Honest With Me?"

This is the last question Sarah and I ask each other during our accountability time every other week. It seemed like a crazy question to include when we were writing these up, but several resources suggested it so we included it. I have since changed my mind.

It would be so easy to just tell a little fib..."yes, I spent time with God every day this week". I mean, would it really hurt? And then I wouldn't have to admit to a failure, right? (Yes, I understand that even a small lie is harmful, but that's a whole different post.)

There's something about looking straight into the eyes of your best friend and choosing to break that trust. I just can't do it. So I do tell her the truth...even though it's hard....even though it means admitting to failure. And because of this our relationship has grown....and I have more courage to be transparent with her and with others. Sarah has never judged me for my failures. She just encourages me and holds me more accountable the next time. If that's not an example of Proverbs 27:17, I don't know what is!

The Most Beautiful Women I Know -- Part III

Sarah
My best friend and confidant. The one that taught me that some people can be trusted. Sarah holds me accountable and speaks the truth with God's love. She's very patient with me as I learn to be transparent.She's authentic and vulnerable, yet strong and confident.Sarah also volunteers many hours a week to encourage a group of Middle School girls in their walk with Jesus.They are important to her and makes sure they understand her love for them. Her ability to speak to others in their Love Language is just one more way she is God's love to others. I love Sarah's quirky (in the very best way) personality-- she's the epitome of "stable spontaneity" and makes time for even the smallest of advenutres.The time we're able to spend together is always too short.

Sarah, your beauty captivates those around you!

The Most Beautiful Women I Know -- Part II

Shauna
Fun. Authentic. Beautiful. Shauna's the sister-in-law I never knew I wanted and I can't imagine being without. She's creative and very talented, but even more humble. She shows God's love to those around her by not judging them and treating them with love, grace and respect. Shauna's very straight-forward when things need to be said. She doesn't beat-around-the-bush -- calls things what they are and addresses them head on. You can't help but have fun when Shauna's around. Her smile is contageous and she understands the value in a quiet afternoon. Her encouraging ways are a gift to us all.

Shauna, thank you for letting your beauty shine!

The Most Beautiful Women I Know -- Part I

Robin
A great friend and mentor who leads by example. Her enthusiasm is contageous. She's extremely organized but can devise outside the box solutions and go with the flow when necessary. Robin let's people know they are important and noticed by remembering the names of those she meets. She lives life to the fullest, has much to teach and you can't help but want to get to know her better. Her friends and family are a priority to her and she spends a great deal of time investing in those relationships. She is the hands and feet of Jesus to those who cross her path and volunteers considerable time each week to encourage a group of Middle School girls in their relationship with Him. Robin is very humble, giving God the glory for the blessings in her life and the woman she's become.

Robin, thanks for sharing your incredible beauty!

Beauty is Only Skin Deep

When you hear someone mention beauty, generally they are speaking of a physical beauty. It frustrates me when I hear people say "Beauty is only skin deep". Especially when they're using it to try to make someone who's struggling with the issue feel better about things. I understand that they have good intentions, but it's all backwards.

1 Peter 3:3&4 (New International Version)

3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

It's the beauty on the inside shining through that makes someone a truly beautiful person.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

Sarah Markley (http://www.sarahmarkley.com/) has started a 5 day series on Beauty. She has challenged her readers to blog about beauty as well. I don't know that I can pare down my thoughts into a single blog post so I've decided to challenge myself to post about beauty for the next 5 days as well. This seems completely doable on Monday morning, but we'll see if I can actually make it once I get into my week.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"...it's a statement I've heard all my life. Society tries to dictate how we perceive beauty. Magazines, television, movies - they all seem to say that I have to be tall, super thin, long hair, tan, etc. to be considered beautiful. It's different in other countries. Some see heavier or curvy women as beautiful and others may base it on skin tone. The point is that every culture has a definition of beauty - and you either have it or you don't. By the world's standards, most of us just don't measure up.

Most of us struggle with the issue of beauty at one time or another. For some of us, it's a daily struggle. I'm working to change the way I think of beauty...Beauty is in the eye of the Creator. God made each one of us unique (Psalm 139). It's intentional. The world would be a very boring place if we were all clones of each other. He created each of us with our own unique beauty.

May we see each other through His eyes and understand that we are all beautiful.

Abandonment

So I'm reading through this book and there was a statement that made me do a great deal of thinking:

"That is a woman's worst fear -- abandonment."

Now granted, there is a lot of context around this statement, but it is this one sentence that struck me. Anytime I read a generalization like that, my gut reaction is that they can't possibly know that. I don't know the authors and they don't know me, so how can they possibly state that about a group that includes me? Such generalizations can be very frustrating.

But in thinking through it, I would agree with this statement as it applies to me. If I were to make a fishbone diagram (yes, I know, the LSS geek in me is showing here) of my fears, I think the main root cause would be a fear of abandonment. Most of my nightmares (be they while I'm awake or just daydreaming) revolve around the loss or disappearance of someone a love and care deeply about. While there are may fears these could be attributed to (a fear of death, or loss, or a number of other things) I know that for me, it's all about me being left alone.

So why is that? I'm beginning to understand through my recent Bible and book studies that God created women as relational beings. This was another one of those generalizations I had to wrestle with. My friend Sarah commented to me one day that I am probably more relational than I think I am. It took me a while to figure it out, but she's so right.

I'm very much an introvert and would never claim to be a "people person" so I don't think of myself as relational. I also know that the things I give priority to in my life don't show it (although I am now making a conscious effort) don't show the importance of people or relationships. However, when I think about what's really important to me, it is the people I care about and the memories I have with them. Losing that -- being abandoned by them -- that truly is my deepest fear.

Thank you, God, for giving us writers to show us truths and friends to help us learn and understand them! Thank you that You will never leave me.

A BEST Friend

A best friend is someone who makes you feel like hearing about the keychain you received on Valentine's Day is just as important as sharing about her engagement.

Thanks, Sarah! You made my night!

The Best of Intentions

Lunch started out so great today. I actually got a lunch break for starters which I didn't think would happen because I was supposed to be in a training class all day. I met up with my boyfriend who drove me to the bank where I got a deposit made AND got my home refinancing papers notarized. I was on a roll. Those were things I hadn't expected to get done until the weekend. Like I said...things were off to a great start.

Next was food. We pulled up to Taco Bell and he asked if I'd like to stay in the car and review the refinancing application while he ran in to get food. My plan was to drop the application in the mail on my way back to the office so I took him up on the offer, but it wasn't 2 minutes into it that I realized I needed my checkbook and couldn't finish filling out the forms. I sat in the car for a few moments and thought to myself "This is stupid. The whole point of going to lunch like this is to be together". So I hopped out of the car and joined him in line.

The first thing out of his mouth was "Please tell me you didn't leave the keys in the car." CRUD! Until he mentioned it, I had totally forgotten that he brought them back to me when he headed inside. So now I was the one in line to get the food and he was the one outside calling AAA. But oh no...we're not done yet.

Getting food took forever. I placed my order within a few minutes, but there was a 20 order lag between the cashier and the kitchen. Finally they called my number and I grabbed the food and headed back to the car. He did not look happy. Turns out that his AAA membership (which is set to auto renew) was expired. There went the money he was saving for some fun next weekend. And to top it all off, it was going to be an hour before a locksmith could come help us. Our lunch breaks are only an hour long and we were running out of time.

We headed back in to Taco Bell to eat our lunch and wait for the locksmith. I finally notified work that I wasn't going to make it to my meeting on time (it ended up being canceled in the end) and then we just sat there. Silently for the most part. I couldn't say anything to make it better...it was my fault afterall. So we just sat there...not really even looking at each other. This is NOT the lunch I had planned.

Finally the locksmith showed up and...that's right, you guessed it, we're not done yet.....it is pouring rain. I stayed near the door where it was dry and he went out to work with the locksmith. I watched him, standing there, getting soaked. It took several very long minutes, but they got the doors open and we headed back to the office.

I felt horrible. He was sitting there in the cold car and totally drenched. I could see the goose bumps on his arms and at that moment, I would have done just about anything to make that horrible, guilty feeling go away...to make things all better...to make the day all better. But there wasn't anything I could do. So we drove back to work in silence.

Obviously in all this silent time today I had some time for reflection. I don't know what "worse" would have felt like here. I couldn't imagine it. And this was over some keys locked in a car. Seriously, if that's the worst thing I've ever done then I'm nearly perfect!....Yeah Right! That's so not true. I felt horrible over a silly mistake...something that will soon be forgotten. And yet so many times there's not even a twinge of guilt where there should be - the unkind word to a colleague, the selfishness toward a friend, the impatience at the stoplight...I could go on and on. So much unChristlike behavior and here I feel guilty over a silly mistake....somedays I wonder how God even puts up with me! It's a good think I don't depend on myself for salvation.

And then there's the feeling of greatfulness. Yes, I experienced both grace and mercy today...and everyday for that matter. As my boyfriend was standing in the rain, cleaning up the mess I created, I was very greatful for him...and it was so easy to feel that way. I don't think I'm alone in the lack of greatfulness I have on a daily basis for the sacrifices God made for me. I've become very desensitized to such things. Sure, I teared up a bit during "The Passion of the Christ", but that gut wrenching feeling of receiving something I didn't deserve (grace) and not being punished for what I've done (mercy) is rarely there.

Even though I still feel horrible about it, I'm very greatful for this little reminder of just how much God loves me today.

Unashamed

Corporate worship - what does it look like? I think most of us, at one time or another, would describe this as singing in church. So often we take this time for granted. Oh we sing all the right notes and words at the right times - and outwardly we appear to be "worshiping".

I have to admit, I really like the songs selected for this weekend but I wasn't really engaged in worship. I started looking around the room and God started pointing our some specific things - the High School students up front raising their arms in praise, the college guy in the back of the room singing at the top of his lungs even though he's off key, the single mom lifting her hands in surrender, the woman on her knees before her Lord.

I had one of those "Ah Ha!" moments this weekend. Corporate worship is collectively being totally alone with God. Not concerning ourselves by what other think or what we should be doing, but focusing our hearts and our minds on our Savior...who He is, what He's done - is doing - leaving the world behind and being totally in his presence.

Bible Reading Challenge - January Update

YES!! I made it!! - 1 month down, 11 to go!

For those of you already in the habit of reading your Bible everyday, this may not be much of an achievement, but for me, it's been great! Admittedly, there was one day I forgot about it, but our pastors are not expecting perfection and have given us the weekends for catch-up, review, etc.

Ok, seriously, how sad is that - there was one day I forgot. I forgot to spend a few minutes listening to what my Lord and Savior had to say to me that day through His word. And there were other days where I was reading the words, but not really "hearing" or digesting them. Sarah Markley had a great blog post a few days ago titled "Living Like He's There". I encourage you to read it (Sarah - my friend - pointed it out to me to make sure I didn't miss it). Anyway, this post uses the illustration of a married couple spending the day in a theme park but being so distracted by keeping track of the kids, conversations with others, etc. that they spent the entire day together but where never really "with" each other. She relates this to the days when we are living in God's presence, but not really acknowledging Him. I have been guilty of that this month. Now that I'm aware of it, let's see what next month holds...

Intentional Friends

So Sarah and I have made a commitment to each other this year - Intentional Friendship. What does that mean? For us, it is the agreement to set aside time for each other twice a month for accountability, sharing, learning, and just catching up and having fun. Admittedly, there are days I would so much rather just go home and crash in front of the TV, but by the time we're done with our evening and I can head home, I feel refreshed and encouraged.God is really blessing our commitment.

We tried this last year, but it didn't work out like we had planned. Life got in the way - work, ministry, family - and we didn't follow through. This time is going to be different. This time we're not trying to do this alone. We have enlisted the assistance of a very mentoring couple in our Life Group at church. They have permission to ask how we're doing on our commitment, and have agreed to help us if we're having difficulty keeping it. God never intended his children to live life alone or work through it by themselves. When we enlist the help of those we love and trust, we can encourage each other along the way.

John 3:27-30 (MSG)

My Bible reading assignment today led to one of those "Ah Ha!" moments for me:

John answered, "It's not possible for a person to succeed—I'm talking about eternal success—without heaven's help. You yourselves were there when I made it public that I was not the Messiah but simply the one sent ahead of him to get things ready. The one who gets the bride is, by definition, the bridegroom. And the bridegroom's friend, his 'best man'—that's me—in place at his side where he can hear every word, is genuinely happy. How could he be jealous when he knows that the wedding is finished and the marriage is off to a good start?

"That's why my cup is running over. This is the assigned moment for him to move into the center, while I slip off to the sidelines.

I can identify with seeing my brother getting married and standing at his side but then wanting to step back and just let the day be his.

I really like it when I find a translation that puts things in terms i can understand. I realize this is not a litteral translation, but I understood this concept like I never had before!

Bible Reading Challenge

The year is starting off with another challenge. The pastors of my church have put together a reading plan to take the congregation through the New Testament in one year. They've even tried to help those of us who spend all day in front of our computers by providing a feed we can subscribe to that emails a reminder of the day's passage each morning.

I'm gonna give it a shot!