Father's Day

What significant thing did you do for your family?

This week was Father's Day. It may not seem like a big deal, but I was tired and I had things I wanted to do and I wanted to be selfish. Instead, I took about an hour and a half and went to my parent's house to visit. "Visiting" is definately on my list of activities I dislike. I don't know why but it has always been that way.

I was still selfish. I went when my friends were busy but left in time to meet them all for lunch. But at the same time, I did make the effort to show up and be there for a while and I think that was kind of significant.

What have you done for your family lately?

Great Reads

Lately I've read some really great posts on various blogs and I wanted to share some of them:

A series on the use of social media:
http://www.aquietheart.com/?p=2931
http://www.aquietheart.com/?p=3005
http://www.aquietheart.com/?p=3035

Laughter Can Be the Best Faith Medicine:
http://www.incourage.me/2010/05/laughter-can-be-the-best-faith-medicine.html

Is consistency a virtue of God?
http://www.incourage.me/2010/06/two-faces.html

God speaks through people:
http://www.incourage.me/2010/06/able.html

Confessions of a People Pleaser:
http://www.incourage.me/2010/05/safe.html

Hope you enjoy these!

Never Give Up

Sarah and I have added a new question to our list: "What significant thing did your boyfriend do for you?" I feel it's important to not only intentionally do things for him, but also to realize what he's doing for me.

This week was huge! I alluded to it a bit before when I was talking about Friday.

He's not giving up on me. He's said I'm worth the effort.

If you've been reading my posts on fear, you may understand just how huge this is. And yes, even writing this made me cry. :(

Puzzle Pieces

God's time is very specific and I'm just now starting to put the pieces of the past few weeks together - WOW!

1. Summer Camp 2009 - The speaker is talking about beauty and asks us to think of someone who needs to hear that they are beautiful. Sarah waited for the room to clear out and leaned over to me, "Mandi, you are beautiful. Just thought you needed to hear that."
2. October 2009 - I begin reading "Captivating".
3. January 2010 - Sarah and I begin "Captivating" as a study.
4. May 2010 - My boyfriend leans over and says "You are really beautiful right now." My hair was a mess, makeup all smudged after a long day. I was wearing jeans splattered with paint and one of his big sweat shirts. I didn't see things the same way.
5. June 2010 - A line in the book Sarah and I are reading catches my eye: "A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough."

The understanding of beauty has eluded me but these 2 pieces finally fit. In that moment, I was beautiful because i wasn't trying to be. I was enjoying the moment. Being there. Not worried about my appearance. Not worried about circumstances. Not worried about anything. Just enjoying the moment and the company of friends.

A woman who is striving is stressing and stress is not beautiful.

A woman who is beautiful is such because she's not trying to be. She's just following God.

Not Worth the Effort

Fear reared it's ugly head Friday night.

I misunderstood.
I got upset.
I tried to explain (inadequately, of course).
He got frustrated.
I got scared.

Now I want to be very clear about this:
   HE did not scare me.
   HE did nothing to make me feel the way I did.
   I was not scared of HIM.

Satan has long filled my head with whispers that I am not good enough, not pretty enough, too high maintenance, not strong enough, not independant enough, too independant, too needy....the list goes on and on. Over the past month or so I have come to understand that I am aware of these lies, but when they come up in life, I first react with emotion and then with the logic of what's happening.

So why was I scared? I was afraid that he'd determine I'm not worth the effort it takes to build our relationship. That's really the jist of it. I was afraid that I ruined things and that I would lose him.

I realize that this is giving him no credit whatsoever. And that he is deserving of so much more. I also know that this is not what he was thinking or what he intended. But my fears aren't rational.

Once again, i think this goes back to a fear of abandonment. And that is why I was crying Friday night.

"I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got.”          Sabrina Ward Harrison

Why are you crying?

For those of you who follow Sarah's blog, you may have read her post about crying. I find it interesting that while we have both started posts on this subject, it's taken more than 3 weeks for anything to actually show up in a blog.

So, as Sarah examined crying as Bill suggested, we had some discussions during our "intentional friendship" times. Sarah and I are a lot alike. It's very helpful to me to be able to examine emotion, fear, etc. in the context of Sarah rather than trying to figure out myself. But reality is, just helping Sarah figure things out isn't enough. I need to examine my own life and understand what brings on the tears.

I'm talking about specific situations...
   ...when the topic of conversation gets personal...
   ...when emotion is involved...
   ...for no reason what-so-ever...
   ...and many more....

Why do I frequently tear up in these situations? I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid...
   ...afraid that the more people know about me the less they'll like me...
   ...afraid that my emotions make me odd or unacceptable...
   ...afraid that being me will cost me the people I love...
   ...basically, I'm afraid.

Too Much Clutter

I have clutter everywhere...
   ...my house...
      ...my desk...
         ...my room (ew, let's not even go there)...
...and worst of all, my head!

I had a great conversation with my sister-in-law this weekend. I was telling her how much I love her blog and that I'm very jealous that she can just sit down at lunch and have and entire page of well written and thought out text. I was explaining to her that I can't think for more than 30 seconds before I get distracted by another thought and that it takes days...sometimes even weeks....to put a post together. She looked at me and said "you're thinking about too much".

Wow! That made me think. My life is cluttered. Not just my environment, but my life. And not by important stuff either. I made a list of 9 things I wanted to do this year (like take more everyday pictures, scrapbook, blog, etc). I have spent very little time on those things, but a lot on work and other things that don't really matter to me in the big scheme of things.

Now that I realize this, I want to de-clutter. I've already started - and yes, that meant saying "No" to a ministry opportunity. I've added a large box in my garage where I can start accumulating "junk" for a garage sale. I want to choose a couple of things to spend my free time on and focus on them. I'm going to do more organizing in my house (I've already collected a lot of supplies, I just need to do it).

And maybe...just maybe...these de-cluttering efforts will allow me to think more and focus on the things I want to spend time on.