I misunderstood.
I got upset.
I tried to explain (inadequately, of course).
He got frustrated.
I got scared.
Now I want to be very clear about this:
HE did not scare me.
HE did nothing to make me feel the way I did.
I was not scared of HIM.
Satan has long filled my head with whispers that I am not good enough, not pretty enough, too high maintenance, not strong enough, not independant enough, too independant, too needy....the list goes on and on. Over the past month or so I have come to understand that I am aware of these lies, but when they come up in life, I first react with emotion and then with the logic of what's happening.
So why was I scared? I was afraid that he'd determine I'm not worth the effort it takes to build our relationship. That's really the jist of it. I was afraid that I ruined things and that I would lose him.
I realize that this is giving him no credit whatsoever. And that he is deserving of so much more. I also know that this is not what he was thinking or what he intended. But my fears aren't rational.
Once again, i think this goes back to a fear of abandonment. And that is why I was crying Friday night.
"I am afraid to show you who I really am, because if I show you who I really am, you might not like it--and that's all I got.” Sabrina Ward Harrison
I hate to be so short and sweet with this comment becuase your post was so good, but hun... if you weren't worth the effort.. he would have given up a long time ago. ;)
ReplyDeleteThese are the things that build a relationship. There are good and bad things. You grow from these learning (and sometimes scary) expieriences. And if you can work through them, both communicating the best you can, you have succeeded in building another sound, sturdy block in your releationship.
Keep up the good work, and you will have a wonderful relationship. :)